Aside from the physically excruciatingly long trip back to Manila, there is also this nagging anxiety about what kind of life awaits me and my daughter for the rest of the year. It is not so much an all consuming anxiety (after all, I am getting good at accepting the things that I cannot change and control) but more of a general wondering…ment (to borrow Ross Geller’s line).
I admit going back to Manila does not excite me. In terms of a feeling of belonging, I am aware I am meant to be somewhere else, not at my parents’ house, not in Manila, maybe not in the Philippines. Funny how different life was 3 years, or even a year ago. Back then, I did not feel lost (not this lost, anyway). And I was too busy to attempt to answer questions like the meaning of my life etc.
Changing my perspective, Manila is just another stopover. Life is an adventure and like they say, it is the journey and not the destination. Where I am right now is not my ideal place to be, but it will get better, I will do my best to get to a better place. But for now, like what my daughter and her cousins are doing, will try to sit back and enjoy the ride! It is a long one, might as well have fun along the way. It is a sunny day, I am seated comfortably and I have got great company.
Will think about tomorrow tomorrow, not now. For like what I read in Rewire Your Brain for Love, fear is not about now, it is about anticipating (I certainly am not excited about it, not one bit) the future pain/hurt I might experience, or even that I am definitely going to experience – but I am not yet experiencing right now. In this moment, I am okay. Until the thing that I am worried about actually happens, I am okay. Right now, I have food on the table, clothes on my back, a roof over my head, loving family and supportive friends.
How are you handling uncertainties right now?
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