The One Where I Do Not Know If I Am Fine

On my third day back at Manila and I still have not adjusted well. I only had a little over 4 hours of sleep, then I saw this on Facebook.

CTTO

I have enjoyed Dr. House’s brilliance and sarcasm back in the day. It was not so much as the technicalities (I did not like biology at all) as how the ingenious physician thinks outside of the box and makes controversial diagnosis and treats patients unconventionally.

So anyway, this has got me thinking… Can someone really be fine as in “fine”? For this blog post’s purposes, I define fine as “every thing is going great”. A very daunting state to achieve eh? Is it possible? When someone ask me one day if I’m fine (or how am I) can I truthfully and enthusiastically (with a big, genuine smile on my face) respond with “I am fine”?

For as long as I can remember, there has always been something that is not quite well… my father was leaving just when we were getting closer again, my mother would not get me the desk I wanted (I did not talk to her for a week until she did, and we slept on the same bed, oh how unbelievably spoiled I was), my brothers would not let me play with their remote controlled cars and ship, my friends did not help me with homework, I did not make it to the National Mathematical Olympiad (or whatsitcalled), I was so homesick when I started college (and I needed to do laundry, etc on my own), I got an F on my English paper, I flunked Mathematical Physics 3, I got so bored out of my wits on my first job, I miscalculated and did not qualify for MDRT, Sophia’s father disappeared, a client backed out on buying a property, an ex boyfriend passed away, an ex fiancé abandoned me when I needed him the most (we were still together when he did), short term rentals were suspended because of COVID-19, real estate prices were plummeting down, and all the other little things.

Hey, if my life would be made into a movie, there is the plot! (I wonder who would play me…) Some seems silly now, but when I was experiencing each and every one of them, the disappointments and frustrations and loneliness and fear were very real then. Makes me realize I should be a lot more patient with Sophia. Not getting that toy she has had her eyes on for a few months must be frustrating for her, especially if most of her friends already have them. [more on acknowledging and validating children’s (and adults’ too) feelings in another post]

I know the issues will never stop. Maybe next year I will have to deal with a friend’s betrayal, the one after that I would face the challenges of settling down in a foreign land, then conflict with my husband, or Sophia going through the usual adolescent stuff… I am definitely not looking forward, but my point is that there will always be something amiss. And do not get me started on a person’s seemingly endless quest for better things; nicer car, bigger house, more extravagant holidays, younger looking skins, more expensive clothes, the list goes on…

Going back to my earlier question, I would want to one day be able to respond with “I am fine” as in I am fine, and not just lip service. Aware of the fact that at any one point, every thing is NOT going to be great, I would like to redefine fine as “every thing is not going great, but I can manage”. Armed with the lessons I have learned about acceptance and resilience etc, I will manage! And I will continue to grow, to be able to face whatever life has in store for me in the future.

I am fine. Every thing is not going great, but I can manage. Are you?

#ToABetterSarah #RaisingSophia #FromZeroToHero

One of the photos I took after working out, something I do to be better.

5 Comments

  1. Tere says:

    Kaya daw nangyayari ang mga bagay2 sa buhay natin kasi that’s the way for us to learn lessons and then turn them into tools to help ourselves move forward in life and ultimately, help other people. Either you get bitter or better. Pick your fighter (parang sa game) hehehe! We’ll always have problems until we die but that doesn’t mean we don’t get to enjoy na. You’ll get to that point someday, kasi you are now trying to understand yourself. Onting himay2 lang yan, onting tiyaga, at madaming love in your heart. Declutter the mind, hindi madali but promise worth it. Aja hwaiting!

    Like

    1. True that, tsang. Usually a major transformation occurs when one is undergoing confusion. That certainly is the case with me. I decided to take the road less traveled, that of self reflection and development. When I get through the tunnel to the other end, I am stronger and is able to enjoy life more fully. Fighting!!!

      Like

  2. Ceceil Gomez says:

    Sabi nga ng nagviral na si nightbirde, you can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.

    https://fb.watch/6ctTIkp3Pb/

    Like

    1. True. I thought of writing about that. I wonder why sometimes even if we know the theories, still difficult to apply. It is no different to Physics’ Law of Attraction, we may be drawn to opposites, but we usually end up with someone who is more similar.

      Like

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